just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize