her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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