the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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