I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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