dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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