thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
