Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
