I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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