I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
