I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
