I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
