I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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