i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
