she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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