honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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