May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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