Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
