Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
