felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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