my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize