I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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