i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
