i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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