My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
