Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
