I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
