She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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