I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
