You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
