Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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