Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
