party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
