life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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