He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
