Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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