Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
