I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize