Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
