Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize