Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
