hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
