I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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