god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He shit in the fireplace
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
