And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
