So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
