Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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