Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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