ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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