she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
