I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
