Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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