Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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