I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
