True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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