you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
