i jhust puked up my retainher.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
