now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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