I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
